This is somewhat of a update on my personal healing journey this year. as a prelude, I recommend reading:
from iceland. august 17,2023.
im in iceland right now, specifically 15 minutes out of Rjekavik's city center in a small town called Gardbær. it's overcast and raining today. water patters against the ash colored wooden deck outside my window. I woke up this morning feeling melancholy.
I've been ruminating on the past recently. My sister finds it odd that while on vacation, in a different country, my consciousness dips into pools of "the former" rather than immersing myself in the presence of "the new." Has it already been 2 years? I woke up this morning and scrolled through photos from the summer of 2021.
Like most mornings,
I wake up with a rolling pit of anxiety in my stomach. For the past couple years, I've been perpetually clouded with some type of fear that subsides deep within my subconsciousness. Its embers burn brightest within the first 10 minutes of my awakening. I start my routine, brushing my teeth vigorously, almost till my gums bleed. I wash my face with cold water and tie my hair back into a slick ponytail, picking loose hair that hangs off the back of my shirt.
I make my way back to my bedroom. I dust off my bed sheets and fold my comforter into a neat rectangle that sits at the bottom edge of my bed. My favorite part- I smack my pillow a couple times against my mattress, fluffing it up with air. I love sinking my head into a cold, fluffy pillow. I put my headphones on, open Youtube and click on my favorite self-affirmation video. I make my way upstairs to drink some tea. The embers are fizzling out now.
When did I become like this?
The girl in the photos from two years ago would have cringed at the thought of self affirmation videos. The girl in the photos rejected the idea of a routine in favor of free will. The girl in the photos from two years ago rarely made her bed. She lit up a joint and skated when she was sad, loved her college friends more than anything in the world and wore her depression as a badge of honor. When did I change?
Like most 23-y-old's (on the precipice of turning 24!!), the transition into adulthood hasn’t been easy. In this past year I've mourned the death of myself many times. And consequently, in creation of the person I am today, I have reconnected with parts of myself I had forgotten.
"Trust and let go."
My ex constantly quoted this at me- ironically, he clung to the past with white knuckles. I don't blame him. The radicalization of "the self-concept," fueled by (a) post-covid mental health awareness and (b) the decriminalization and legalization of marijuana and psilocybin in forward-thinking administrations has renewed the concept of "letting go" in popular media today. Earlier this year, I wrote about fear and letting go of fear and what it entailed. What I didn't address at the time (in the essay nor with myself) was how to let go.
For so long, I felt that in order to change, I needed to defeat fear. If I conquered the part of myself that felt fearful, I would finally be able to make the tough choice unhindered and "DO THE THING." This is a fallacy.
I want to wake up and make my bed every day. This requires waking up, getting out of bed, making my bed and not getting back in it. You may be wondering, how does making your bed require defeating fear?
Until recently, I would spend hours laying in bed doom scrolling social media first thing in the morning. That was my habit. Hunger or some other obligation would eventually drive me up- at that point, I was onto the next distraction and making my bed wasn't given a second thought.
The task of making my bed itself was not daunting. What was daunting was the Shravani I had to become in order to do so.
The Shravani who makes her bed every morning is a Shravani who: a) does not have physically debilitating intrusive thoughts in the morning that compel her to doom scroll twitter till her brain is numb b) has the patience to perform a task that requires some amount of intentionality and effort and c) can develop and maintain a healthy habit.
In my head, if I were to employ (a) (b) and (c), I would be closer to the "dream version" of myself which meant not being the person I was. And, WHAT IF? I became my dream person?? THEN WHAT?
Both cases were absolutely terrifying. Change is absolutely terrifying. I was afraid of shedding and becoming, grappling with the fear of losing myself, both present and future.
So the money question, how does one overcome fear?
There's no magical formula here: it is impossible to defeat fear itself. Learn to tally with it instead. Harmonize with it. Relish it. And like with any skill, the more and more you tally- the more you challenge that voice in your head thats pleading you to make the comfortable choice- the easier it becomes. Your fear is your inner protector. If you feel fear, it doesn’t mean you’re wrong or not ready, it means you're doing something right. Regardless of any outcome, stepping out will immerse you in a learning experience, and the self-knowledge you stand to gain is boundless. I’ve learned to approach that part of myself with love.
Be patient.
It took me over a year of repeated failure and much resistance to learn to accept the part of myself that is afraid. With developing any new habit, one must tweak and iterate. To develop a better morning routine: I deleted twitter off my phone, left my laptop in another room overnight, started listening to sound bowl healing vibrations as I fell asleep (to reduce morning anxiety)... and a MILLION OTHER THINGS. Enough failure instilled a deep understanding of myself. As I breathed into the knowledge of myself, it became easier to let go. Eventually, it became me.
So, as I sit here and reminisce about the person I was two years ago- my loves, my fears and my identity- I also feel extremely proud of the person I've become today. The embers of fear burn bright at times, and like with any feeling you feel, it begs to be felt before it passes. And maybe somewhere along the way, you’ll learn to enjoy it.
-Shrav
vibes~
Summer’21