day 1: depression
a pessimistic person will continue to incur pain, an optimistic person will feel the beauty of life and existence.
Hello frens ^_^
this essay is the first of my 21 days of writing challenge I’m taking part in. it takes 21 days to form a new habit so I decided why not take 21 days to explore a new passion of mine- writing! I started this challenge for a few different reasons:
become a better writer
practice consistency
let go of my perfectionism and expectations around my writing
i love writing long form pieces and have many drafts saved but become overwhelmed by them pretty easily, so to ease back into writing those I’m writing these short form pieces instead. 1-2 hours every day, no distractions, I just write whatever’s on my mind for myself.
I’m currently on day 6 and have been posting some of my writing on my personal Twitter , but I’m gonna start posting my favorite essays here as well. so far, it’s been an incredibly fruitful and cathartic process, and I’m excited to see what I learn over the next couple weeks.
I am sad. I have been for most of this year. It probably started in March. I moved around multiple different cities this year, and I lost my sense of home. I lost my best friend. Other friends also left. Most of all, I lost my morale.
All I’ve been doing these past couple months is chasing a version of myself that is happy, hopeful and confident. I reminisce about Shravani from a year ago. Starry-eyed, I had just turned 22. I moved to Los Angeles on a whim, excited to begin a new life. I believed so hard in the people I loved, and I believed even more in myself. I saw the world as my ocean and I was a floating pearl; limitless possibilities. I spent so much time dreaming but even more time soaking in the present.
I was learning so much about tech and crypto, I was amazed with startup life and inspired by all my talented friends who were traveling and pursuing their dreams. It seemed like everyone wanted to make the world a better place and help others less fortunate than them. I took spontaneous flights to Honolulu, Miami, Denver, New York, met hundreds of interesting people and went to enough yacht parties to become tired of them. I had a strong support system at home and was tangentially making new friends. I felt so loved and supported and safe.
Somewhere along the way, I started chipping away. After being vulnerable, I was told by (J) that I wasn’t doing enough, that I should be taking more agency with my life.(D) made comments about my body. He told me I looked insecure and scared after I rejected him. (I) made some promises to me that he couldn't to keep. I felt like a fool for trusting him and for changing myself for him.
In all these situations, I lost respect and love for myself. I didn’t know better at the time to set boundaries, and the more I entertained people who projected their fears and insecurities onto me, the more I got lost in my own.
Humans are meant to evolve, and to be be courageous means to let go. The hardest part about letting go is letting go of the person I was. Change does not come easy. I’m learning to pick one direction and full sending it. I’m learning to accept myself despite the self loathing. I’m learning to surround myself by people who have healthy relationships with themselves and who love me. I’m learning to practice gratitude, mindfulness, intentionality in my present moments. I’m learning to laugh and not take life too seriously.
I’ll be damned if I don’t apply the lessons from the pain I’ve incurred. I’ll be damned if I don’t come out of the Winter with a stronger relationship with myself. I will not let the failures of the past define me now. I will see in color again.
-Shrav
vibes~