happy full moon!
happy virgo season!
happy november! ^_^
I’ve been writing this piece for a while. for a long time I was stuck on what I wanted this essay to be. I felt like it had to be perfect, strapping myself into expectations about my writing that don’t exist anywhere else except in my mind.
in hindsight, none of that matters. anything and everything that has ever held me back has always been myself. and I think that’s the perfect prelude for this essay. this piece has a special place in my heart, not because I gave up on it so many times, but because I kept returning to it.
I recall spending the summer before my final year at university obsessing over this Japanese concept called ‘ikigai,’ directly translated into one’s ‘reason for being.’
Growing up in the Silicon Valley, I felt shackled to tech and startup culture. As the eldest daughter of an immigrant family (damned by cycles of generational trauma), there was a pre-set path to success I was expected to follow. Attending a top four-year university and graduating with a STEM or technical degree was my ticket to a lucrative career in tech and consequently, a stable and happy life. This story has been told. What was revealed to me that summer was that after years of conditionally walking down this path, I had evaded self discovery and lost sight of myself.
Ikigai(生き甲斐) is best represented through a quad venn-diagram which details the intersections between what you love, what you’re good at, what you can be paid for, and what the world needs.
In mathematical terms, ikigai = interests ∩ talent ∩ profitability ∩ worldly needs.
In my opinion, profitability is a product of widely accepted capitalism realism- it’s not necessary to live a fulfilling life but provides the tools necessary to provide basic needs and comfort. Furthermore, I interpret worldly needs as fulfilling one’s karmic obligation or indulging into one’s savior complex.
The graph is further broken into sub-intersections which define the pillars of being:
interests ∩ talent = one’s passion
talent ∩ profitability = one’s profession
profitability ∩ worldly needs = one’s vocation
worldly needs ∩ interests = one’s mission
Ikigai suggests that in order for self-purpose to be actualized, all four pillars of being- passion, profession, mission and vocation- should be optimized for. It would be remiss to only focus on any less than three of these pillars at a time: focusing on my career and vocation would bring me a comfortable life but one devoid of happiness, focusing on my mission and passion would bring delight and fullness but no wealth, so on and so forth.
I began university with only two goals in mind: to pursue bio-medical research and to transfer out to a more prestigious school. Neither of those happened. Instead, I started religiously exercising every morning (and lost 70 lbs bf, which consequently changed the nature of every social interaction I had), I spent time with cute boys who broke my heart, I sillymaxed into late nights and early mornings with friends- college was the setting for my call to adventure arc.
I sought chaos. Anchoring myself in it provided beautiful (both purposeful and damaging) experiences that juxtaposed greatly to the reality I had known, and for the first time, I felt like I had free will. My life thus far had felt straight mid (boring(predictable(cringe!))) Mais pas plus. Now there was a shininess to it. I was addicted to exploring new; new experiences, new people, new outside. Instead of focusing on doing what I ought to do, I started doing what I wanted to do. I was quite simply, finally living life as my own main character
Looking back, my newfound enamor with myself no doubt launched me into a identity crisis. I was going through a breakup, but with myself. In following my intuition, I felt like I had lost myself, that I had betrayed the values that were instilled in me. I was so desperately holding onto and running away from the persona I had known. But I am fluid, like water. Gently so, I was seeping through the crevices of my former self, and I had no choice but let go.
Ironically, I had become so comfortable with chaos that I had forgotten what stability looked like. After all, how could I fight the natural flow of life? However, this ‘comfort’ was merely a self-elusion. By grounding in day-to-day distractions, I routinely indulged in self-avoidance and eventually, it caught up to me. Each time I snapped back into the manifolds of my ego, I always arrived at the same conclusion. I was unfulfilled.
Thus began my intense search for the answer. At the time, I was using ikigai thought exercises as a way to decrypt a possible post-grad career path, but in hindsight, it was the catalyst to my healing journey. I started observing myself: how could I contribute to the world? what’s something I never get tired of doing? what’s actually important to me?
I was exploring myself. By affirming my redeeming qualities (‘meta-traits’) and observing my childhood, I slowly connected with my inner child. Approaching myself out of curiosity rather than judgement helped me to discern the root of my confidence and perceived purpose.
Much of my identity has been derived from attaching it to others. For most of my life, I had not lived in my own story. Overly so, I behaved as an extension of my family, friends and community, rooting my self worth in providing to and vying for approval from those who were as human as myself. Not committing wholey to myself festered into a lack mindset.
I recall my favorite philosophical work, Plato’s Allegory of the Cave; the prisoner of a cave was made to watch curious shadows (mere mirror images of objects) his entire life and upon liberation was shocked to realize that his reality was merely a reflection.
My nurture taught me that happiness was manifested from the external: money, validation, power. Surely if I: 1) acquire the bag, 2) get hot 3) make friends, 4) get the perfect partner, bla bla, live out all my hearts desires, I would be happy.
Now I’m not saying these things wouldn’t contribute to my happiness, and I surely don’t believe that absolving myself from my desires is healthy. Caressing the ego is vital to preventing decline into nihilism. However in my case, I was so attached to my ‘grand arc’ that I rarely stopped to appreciate my existence at all. How could I have resolve if it was not grounded in my morale?
True happiness comes from creating my own subjective meaning. It comes from choosing myself and taking agency over my fulfillment. It comes from respecting and loving myself.
For so long, I was always chasing because I didn’t value myself enough to see the value in what I already had. My reality is a reflection of my self perception and every morning when I wake up, I get to make some choices. I choose to commit to myself and try my best. I choose to practice effortless action; to work intentionally towards my goals without attaching to any future outcomes. I choose to accept myself for who I am and understand that I’m a multi-faceted and complex human being who makes mistakes. I choose to practice mindfulness, to find beauty in the present.
Soft rain tapping against my window on a cold, gray morning. In the distance I see fog collecting below Sutro Tower. Clouds part for a brief moment, and I feel warm sunshine on my face. Blinding light creates dancing patterns under my eyelids.
🎵 O la belle vie, On est seul, On est libre, Et l'on traîne 🎵
Life is so lovely. It’s so romantic. Why did I ever think there was anything missing?
-Shrav
vibes~
Philosophical Homeostasis
“To be human means to be constantly in the grip of opposing emotions, to daily reconcile apparently conflicting tensions. I want this, but I need that. I cherish this, but I adore its opposite, too.” (Stephen Fry)